You Don't Have to Be Dying to Work With a Death Doula

" If you don't design your own plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much"

- Jim Rohn

When people hear the term death Doula, they often imagine someone stepping in during the final days of life. While that's certainly one part of what I do, it's far from the whole truth of the picture.

The quote above may sound harsh to some, but it's the honest truth. As a Registered Nurse, I have witnessed countless families begin making end-of-life decisions only after their loved one was already on hospice. In most cases, the individual themselves had not planned for this part of their life in advance and in several cases, they were no longer able to make their wishes known. I saw the confusion, the emotional toll, and the overwhelming weight that grief added to an already difficult time and situation. By then, it was often too late to ask the important questions or honor specific wishes. I often heard the response, " I have no clue what to do. I don't know what they would want".

I started my work as Death Doula because I saw a gap in our system. There had to be a way to empower people to plan ahead before transitional times. There had to be a way to alleviate the burden off of families so they could focus on the time they have with their loved one. I believe we all are deserving of the gift of presence. We deserve time. We deserve a space to talk, plan, reflect, and connect before the urgency begins.

This work is about so much more than dying. It's about living with intention, preparing with love, and reducing the burden for the people we care about most.

In this blog, I want to share the many ways Death Doulas support people who are still very much living- because you don't have to be dying to need this kind of care or guidance.

Planning Ahead: A Gift for Yourself and Your Family

We often think of planning for death as something we will do "later". Though, from experience of working in the ER, later tends to arrive sooner than expected. You walk out your door thinking today will be a good day. The next thing you know, you are being checked into the ER because you went unresponsive. You may be saying, "that wouldn't happen to me." It does. The people I have helped in the ER thought the same as well. Later tends to arrive quietly, or sometimes in a rush-leaving loved ones usure of what to do, what was wanted, or how to honor someone's values.

The truth is, planning ahead isn't about expecting the worst. It's about easing the burden for the people we love. It's a kind and loving act that gives clarity when emotions are at an ultimate high and decisions feel heavy.

You don't have to have all the answers. Sometimes, planning starts with just one question:

"If today were my last day or if something were to happen to me, what would I want my family to know?"

That question alone can open the door to meaningful conversations, thoughtful decisions, and a deeper reflection- not just for yourself, but for those who care about you.

Planning might include things like:

• Talking about medical care preferences

• Getting assets in order

• Thinking about what a "good death" means and looks like to you

• Reflecting on your values, wants, and needs

None of this needs to be rushed or clinical. It can be slow, soft, and entirely personal.

Supporting the Aging Journey

One of my favorite parts of what I do is getting the comment, "Aren't you in high school?" Don't let looks fool you, I am much older than you think and have been working with the geriatric population for 15 years. Over these years, I have grown close to this population and have sat by their side listening to many stories. Many have shared the difficulties they have faced with growing older.

Aging is natural part of life, but it isn't always pleasant or easy. Even when there's no illness or diagnosis, the process of getting older can stir up questions, emotions, and changes that are difficult to face.

Some people feel a growing sense of urgency to organize their affairs, pass down stories, or make peace with their past. Others feel a quiet grief for their changing bodies, shifting roles, or the loss of independence. Many want someone to talk to who won't rush them or brush off their concerns. If we are being honest here, our society is not so kind to the elderly. That's why I do what I do. I am here to help by being their voice.

Whether it's reflecting on a meaningful life, navigating the loss of a spouse or sibling, or simply processing what this new chapter looks like-you don't have to do it alone or in silence.

Aging is not a problem to solve. It's a season to be lived, honored and supported with dignity.

This can look like:

• Learning about the progression of a diagnosis and what that will look like as it progresses

• Learning new ways to adapt as your body changes

• Education on proper caregiving for loved ones as they decline

• Coaching on how to adapt to the changes

Support for Caregivers and Families

Often, I have seen that the emotional weight of decline or loss, doesn't just fall on one person-it spreads across to the people who love and care for the individual. In the work I have done, I've witnessed 2 griefs over an individual. The first grief seems to last the longest. This grief comes from witnessing the steady decline of a loved one. The person who once was, no longer is. It's the most difficult to come to terms with. While the individual may not be aware of the decline, those around them are aware. The second grief is from the physical loss. This often seems to be a lighter grief. It seems strange to think that the actual physical loss is less difficult, but it's because families have been grieving the decline for quite some time. With some guidance, they have learned to accept what is, and when the person departs from this life, they feel a sense of relief. Whether it be the loss of the relationship or the physical loss of the person, it is a loss, and grief is a heavy emotion.

For every aging parent, there may be an adult child trying to balance their own life while becoming a decision-maker, companion, and a caregiver. Caregiving can be full of love and meaning, but it can also be lonely, overwhelming, and exhausting. It's difficult for the family member to separate the roles, caregiver and loved one.

Sometimes, caregivers just need someone to talk to. Someone who won't say "be strong" or offer a quick fix. Remember, aging is not a problem to solve. Sometimes they need someone who can sit in the truth of what is hard without trying to make it pretty. Working in the medical I have found that caregiving isn't pretty and sometimes people are just "winging" it with the tools they have. Though, for someone who isn't in the medical field and is thrown into caregiving, this can be a difficult challenge with no tools or even a place to start.

In a majority of the work I do, I often am helping the family more than the individual themselves. Whether it's navigating difficult conversations, preparing for what's ahead, or simply being validated in your experience-caregivers need support too.

It's okay to ask for help.

In the End, It's About Living Well

You don't have to be dying to think about death. You don't have to be grieving to need comfort. You also don't have to wait until the last moment to seek peace. There's no better time than now.

Many of us carry quiet questions about what we want, how we will be remembered, how to support someone we love, or just about death itself. Sometimes those questions come long before death is near.

There is beauty in being proactive. There's courage in asking hard questions and facing your own mortality. Don't forget, you don't have to face it all alone. Death doesn't have to be feared. It can be beautiful.

If this message speaks to you, I encourage you to let it move you into action. Start with a conversation, write things down, or simply reflect on what matters most to you and what you want for yourself. We live our entire lives playing different roles, but we often don't live our lives according to how we wish it to go. Whether that be out of fear or not wanting to let down those we love because they don't agree with our wishes. Just like the day you were born, it was special, but you didn't have a say on how that went. This is different. You can choose how you wish to go out. Why not make it special and according to how you want it to go.

If someone you care about needs this reminder, share this with them. If I have piqued your curiosity, let's sit and chat. I love a good cup of joe and a nice chat about death and what I do. Death is intimidating. I know.

Just remember, that when we plan ahead, we don't just protect ourselves, we lift the burden from the people we love.