How to Talk to Your Loved Ones About End-of-Life-Planning

For many, the desire to talk about end-of-life wishes is already there, but the conversation often gets shut down before it begins.

Death is not a topic you have at the dinner table. It's a topic that really isn't up for discussion at times. We could say, death really knows how to kill a party. Sometimes it's a parent, spouse, sibling, friend, etc. who brings it up, only to be met with, "Don't talk like that." Despite our attempts, the idea feels too heavy or "morbid". Other times, no one knows where to begin or how to even bring it up, so the moment passes-and it never comes back.

As someone who walks closely with individuals and their loved ones, I have seen how painful it can be when no one knows what a loved one wanted. Not only this, but how painful it is to witness loved ones fight with one another during a moment that does not need this kind of tension.

Greif becomes heavier. Decisions feel rushed and regret lingers in silence of what was never said.

My goal with this blog is simple:

To encourage you to talk

To get you thinking-really thinking-about what matters to you and what you would like for yourself, and your loved ones, in the future. Even if that day isn't close. You don't have to have the perfect words. You don't need a legal form in hand. You just need the willingness to begin.

"The Beginning is the most important part of the work" - Plato

Why We Avoid These Conversations (And Why That's Okay)

Currently, I have been reading "Death" by Todd May. In this book, he states that death is "the most important fact" about us. "It's ability to negate every other element of our lives". Meaning, we plan out how we go about our lives with the thought of our demise in mind. We do the thing because who knows when we will die, so we go for it. We start families. We start that new job. All because we say, "Life is too short."

Death is one of the most human things we'll ever experience-and yet, most of us avoid talking about it. Though we know it's inevitable. So why don't we talk about it? Death is hard to talk about. It brings up fear, uncertainty, and the things we would rather not imagine.

From my experience, I have gathered that some of us are afraid of upsetting others. We know that death is a heavy topic and not everyone is up for the discussion. Discussing it becomes reality. That's why others will respond with, "Don't talk like that." It's a topic that makes others shift uncomfortably in their seats. It feels too morbid, too soon, or too overwhelming. Sometimes, it's not the topic of death that's upsetting to others, it's the wishes that are being made known.

But avoidance doesn't protect us. In fact, it often creates even more pain down the line.

Have you ever had a debate on a subject you were passionate about? It's very much the same when it comes to making your wishes known and someone doesn't agree with them. Whether this be about who is getting what, what you want done with your body after your departure, or simply how you want to your care to go. Having these discussions now will help avoid what I like to call "The Family Hoorah".

I've witnessed countless moments where families find themselves in conflict, often because the person designated to make decisions (the DPOA) is doing what they think is best, while others in the family strongly disagree. What follows is often a heartbreaking cycle of back-and-forth arguments, emotional outbursts, and in some cases, family members walking away from one another for good.

Sometimes, an estranged relative resurfaces at the last minute. This is always an interesting one to be witness to. Where have you been and who are you?! They come and stir up tension and making accusations-specifically towards me that I am killing their loved one, despite their loved one having significant decline leading up to this point. But hey, you've only been absent for years, so I trust you know what's going on. The chaos, confusion, and emotional weight of these moments can leave deep wounds, all because no clear plan was made when there was still time.

This is why these conversations matter. Planning ahead isn't just about medical forms or final wishes- it's about preserving relationships, honoring values, and reducing harms in a time that's already hard enough.

Even reaching out to estranged or distant family now, while things are calm, can help avoid future regret or unnecessary conflict. Not every rift can be mended, but clarity around your wishes can be the boundary that protects the peace for everyone involved.

And still- if you've avoided these talks, you are not alone.

It's human to avoid what's uncomfortable. We're not taught how to do this. Most of us are simply trying to get through the day without inviting in grief or fear too soon.

Avoidance, in many ways, is a form of protection. Though, there comes a point where not talking causes more harm than the discomfort of facing what's real.

That's why the next part matters: when to talk before it's too late, and ideally when there's still space for listening, clarity, and care.

When to Have a Conversation

When it comes to end-of-life planning, the truth is simple:

It's never too early, but it can become too late.

Often these conversations are put off until someone is seriously ill, hospitalized, or already in crisis. In those moments, emotions are high, clarity is low, and choices must be made quickly. That's not the time to be sorting out someone's wishes. If it's too late, then it's too late, and I am also there to support because that is also what I do.

We have to start treating this like we do with any other important task, like work. You pencil it in. You do it. Then it's done! Much easier said than done. Even if you don't have a starting point, the work starts with some digging. Ask questions and do your research. Much like work, some find this difficult to do or to get started on, that's when I get involved.

Just write your questions down and go from there. I like to call this first draft "The Skeleton Plan". It doesn't have to organized. You can revisit and adjust it as life evolves, but foundation is in the place.

Now, how do we start the conversation? This isn't just a conversation for elders to have. More and more young adults are creating advance directives, identifying healthcare proxies, and having meaningful conversations with their loved ones. Not because they expect the worse, but because they understand that being prepared is a form of self-respect and an act of love.

That said, context matters. Please don't spring this topic on someone at the Thanksgiving table or during someone's birthday party. Remember, death is a party killer. Avoid high-stress or emotional settings. These conversations are meant to be casual but do minimize the background noise. The last thing you want is to be talking about you wishes while at a sports bar and everyone's team just scored.

So how do we start conversations, where do we have them, and what do we discuss?

Where:

• Coffee talk is always my favorite

• Lunch dates

• Causal hangout with family

• When you are sitting around "loafing"

• On a walk

Think causal. That's the perfect time. Doesn't have to be awkward. You don't have to say, "let's go on a death walk".

If you are unsure on HOW to bring it up, here are a few gentle openers that can ease you in:

• "I read something recently that made me realize how little we have talked about what we would want if something were to happen to me. Can we talk about that sometime soon?"

• "I've been doing some thinking about the kind of care I'd want if I ever couldn't speak for myself... have you ever thought about that for yourself?"

• "It would give me peace of mind to know your wishes-and I'd want you to know mine, too."

These conversations don't have to be dramatic or long. They can be quiet, intimate, or fun. It's up to you how they go. The important thing is they happen.

Don't forget to write you discussions down. The number one rule in nursing school is "If it wasn't charted, it never happened." You don't want your wishes to end up like a game of telephone, lost in translation. Too Often, I have seen verbal preferences get lost, misunderstood, or even outright denied-especially in medical settings where clarity is crucial. Coming from the ER, this is true. WE don't have time to sit around and wait for your loved ones to call shots, especially if you don't have a DNR on file. We are cracking your ribs and doing compressions to save your life, even if that's not what you wanted.

With that being said, that leads us into the next topic: WHAT are some things you can discuss.

Once the conversation begins, focus on what's meaningful to you:

• What kind of medical care do you want or want for your loved one? What medical don't you want or don't want for your loved one?

• Who is the person that you can trust to make medical and financial decisions if you aren't able to?

• Do you want hospice care?

• Funeral arrangements

• What do you want to do with your belongings?

These talks can stir up a lot of feelings and heavy emotions-that's okay. It's to be expected. This is not meant to start arguments or to upset anyone. If you feel like the conversation is headed in the wrong direction, take a step back and revisit another day. Don't forget to write it down.

Let the tears come if they do. Let the pauses stretch if they need to. This isn't about rushing or fixing. It's about holding space and feeling safe.

If emotions rise:

• Take three deep breaths in. Hold for 5 seconds. Release fully.

• offer reassurance

• Take breaks. Remember, the tallest mountains weren't hiked in a day.

Remember, you don't have to get it perfect, or all done in one day. The goal is to sit with the emotions that come. Since you're starting the discussions early, you can process things at a slower pace. You don't have to achieve completion.

In the End, It's About Living Well

Planning for end-of-life isn't about being morbid. It's about being mindful. It's about caring for the people you love-and making sure your life choices reflect what matters most to you, all the way through.

You don't need the courage to start the conversation. Whether it's a note, a quiet talk, or a simple for filled out with intentions. Your effort will ripple into peace late for yourself and those around you.

So, here's your gentle nudge:

• Don't wait for the "right" time. That time is NOW.

• Share this blog with someone you love or someone who needs this advice

• Take one small step today-write down a wish, ask a question, or open a door to planning.

The future is uncertain, but the care you put into it now can bring the lasting comfort later.

That is a legacy worth leaving.